blogging

Remember that old Bill Withers song -

Lean on me, when you’re not strong
and I’ll be your friend,
I’ll help you carry on…

I’ve always liked that song.  Of course I always picture myself as the stalwart one helping a friend when I sing it in the shower – not the person doing the leaning.  I internalized early on the lesson of not counting on other people but instead being resourceful and competent, taking care of yourself.  It’s probably a lesson I’m passing on to my kids.  Be self-sufficient.  Learn to do things for yourself.  Don’t ask for, or expect help.  But at the same time lend a helping hand whenever you can.  It’s our family motto (one of them) – if someone needs help and you can help them, then you do so.

Of course our current circumstances have necessitated asking for help from time to time, whether it was enrolling the kids in Medi-Cal health insurance, asking a friend to take the kids for an afternoon or even overnight, or as of late to help with a tax issue with the IRS.  This past week I had to ask for help from a number of people – people whom I probably won’t be able to repay or even return the favor (a most uncomfortable situation) and it got me thinking about support networks and the nature and value of them.

As Americans we have, for the most part, become somewhat separated from traditional support networks.  The saying ‘It takes a village’ might still hold true, but most of us don’t have that village anymore.  We grow up and leave home (I moved to California at age 17 to start college), we might move several times in our careers or to accommodate a spouse’s career moves.  We lose touch with the high school friends we thought we would know all our lives, and then do the same thing with college roommates and grad school buddies.  We send holiday cards and catch up at conventions or reunions but it would be a stretch to consider them our village.

We make friends at work, at church, with other soccer moms, people whose lives intersect ours because we find ourselves in the same place at the same time and we are social animals and need and enjoy the social contact.  But would the fellow you share a joke with at the coffee pot in the break room, or the mom who commiserates with you about your kids’ crazy extracurricular schedules really ‘be there’ for you if you needed help?  Probably not.  Nevertheless those social contacts can provide some stress relief – laughter is good medicine and other soccer moms have been known to help out with carpooling – so even these superficial relationships can be beneficial.

When you become unemployed, and worse, remain unemployed, you lose some of those connections.  Work ‘friends’ tend to drop away fairly quickly – maybe they are just uncomfortable around you or maybe there’s a subconscious feeling that your layoff might be contagious.  You continue to call or email for awhile – networking – but eventually it becomes a contact that is more painful than beneficial.  At some point you can’t afford to enroll your kids in soccer or whatever other activity they were doing – dues, uniforms, activity fees – it’s just not in the budget any longer.  Friends stop inviting you out, or over.  Partly it’s because you are a bit of a wet blanket with your endless discussion of the economic news, or your endless pestering them for job connections.  Or maybe it’s because you can’t exactly repay them by picking up the tab the next time, or having them over for dinner.  And really, how long can they say to you “Don’t worry, you’ll find something!”

Eventually you are left with one or two hardcore friends, neighbors who can’t really avoid you, Facebook ‘friends’ you haven’t met in real life, the clerk in the grocery store and your kids’ teachers who have to talk to you at parent-teacher conferences. OK, that’s an exaggeration but you get the picture.  It’s NOT a village!

Studies show that people who have close networks of friends and family who genuinely care about them are the healthiest. A social support network isn’t just a practical benefit, it actually strengthens your immune system, improves your mental health and makes you less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.  It probably makes you smarter and happier too (the study didn’t actually address those but it seems likely to me).

We do have a support network of sorts.  We have some special friends who do care – like our good friend Lu who came to my daughter’s basketball games and cheered her on with a piercing whistle and who remembers and celebrates the kids’ birthdays.  And Naomi, our school secretary who has a soft spot for my son and who cheers him on and treats him like her own son.  And families who invite the kids over for sleepovers giving us all a break.  We have special neighbors right next to us – we help each other out – jumping dead batteries, watching kids for an hour or two, lending money when someone is a little short and just needs a 20 for gas.  We have family who care from afar and distant friends who stay in touch via the internet.  And we have some very kind and caring blog readers who send messages of encouragement and support (and sometimes hire me to do some writing or editing).  Our little support network has been our lifeline from time to time but it’s like a spider web that is stretched thin and a bit frayed so we are currently considering ways to strengthen it and ways in which we too can be a better support to others.  After all, as the song says – “We all need somebody to lean on.”