I might come across as excited and confident about the very big move ahead of us, but in reality I’m facing it with not a little trepidation. I’m taking this action because our realistic options have dwindled and the stresses in our lives have reached the unbearable level. I honestly believe this move, both physically and ‘career-wise’ will, in the end, be a good thing for all of us individually and as a family unit. But it’s going to involve a lot of big changes that require me, as mom, to be strong and positive and emotionally balanced – the rock of the family. And now, a little over a month away from what will be an enormous and lengthy upheaval I am tired, broke and I’m not ready.
The past 3 and a half years have been difficult, even a constant struggle, full of dashed dreams and false starts. I do believe I have overcome many of the obstacles that we’ve faced in that time and have attempted to do so with humor, equanimity and fortitude. While I’m not likely to go around spouting platitudes like “when live gives you lemons, make lemonade,” I have been known to respond to folks who say “I don’t know how you do it” with the simple rejoinder,’ I just do what needs to be done.’ Let’s face it, when your options are doing what needs to be done, or as I say, ‘laying down in front of traffic’ the former tends to be the better choice.
I have accomplished some things. Notably I have kept my family together, safely and securely (if not comfortably) housed, fed and healthy. The kids are OK. The older two are honor students, and the younger two are doing so well in their classes that the teachers opted out of the latest round of parent teacher conferences. They have friends and have been able to pursue several of their extra-curricular interests like art, drama, music and basketball. The animals are healthy (the dogs are a little chubby from lack of exercise) and happy. But I’ve failed at other things – notably in this case finding full-time employment, and maintaining my own health and well-being. I’m worn out.
So, I’m approaching what will be an enormous change at a very low point, with my reserves of energy and positive attitude exhausted. I wish I were healthier, younger and richer! I feel like I need to take a running long jump and I’m not up to speed. Can I do it? Well, that’s never been the question for me – whether I can or cannot, I will do it.
Now I just need to tap into some hidden reserves, and reframe this move in my own mind as the adventure and good thing I tell the kids it will be and not the defeat it feels like. I can’t seem to shake the insomnia or frequent migraines but I am trying to exercise more and eat healthy foods to offset some of the stress.