I might come across as excited and confident about the very big move ahead of us, but in reality I’m facing it with not a little trepidation. I’m taking this action because our realistic options have dwindled and the stresses in our lives have reached the unbearable level. I honestly believe this move, both physically and ‘career-wise’ will, in the end, be a good thing for all of us individually and as a family unit. But it’s going to involve a lot of big changes that require me, as mom, to be strong and positive and emotionally balanced – the rock of the family. And now, a little over a month away from what will be an enormous and lengthy upheaval I am tired, broke and I’m not ready.
The past 3 and a half years have been difficult, even a constant struggle, full of dashed dreams and false starts. I do believe I have overcome many of the obstacles that we’ve faced in that time and have attempted to do so with humor, equanimity and fortitude. While I’m not likely to go around spouting platitudes like “when live gives you lemons, make lemonade,” I have been known to respond to folks who say “I don’t know how you do it” with the simple rejoinder,’ I just do what needs to be done.’ Let’s face it, when your options are doing what needs to be done, or as I say, ‘laying down in front of traffic’ the former tends to be the better choice.
I have accomplished some things. Notably I have kept my family together, safely and securely (if not comfortably) housed, fed and healthy. The kids are OK. The older two are honor students, and the younger two are doing so well in their classes that the teachers opted out of the latest round of parent teacher conferences. They have friends and have been able to pursue several of their extra-curricular interests like art, drama, music and basketball. The animals are healthy (the dogs are a little chubby from lack of exercise) and happy. But I’ve failed at other things – notably in this case finding full-time employment, and maintaining my own health and well-being. I’m worn out.
So, I’m approaching what will be an enormous change at a very low point, with my reserves of energy and positive attitude exhausted. I wish I were healthier, younger and richer! I feel like I need to take a running long jump and I’m not up to speed. Can I do it? Well, that’s never been the question for me – whether I can or cannot, I will do it.
Now I just need to tap into some hidden reserves, and reframe this move in my own mind as the adventure and good thing I tell the kids it will be and not the defeat it feels like. I can’t seem to shake the insomnia or frequent migraines but I am trying to exercise more and eat healthy foods to offset some of the stress.
As someone who has lived both in California (7 years) and the midwest (Illinois and Ohio, last 14 years), I can say that although California smells great (aside from the traffic) and has great weather and mountains and an ocean, it is so much *easier* to live in the midwest. The dirt in my garden is rich, rich, rich. The people in the stores walk you to the right aisle when you cant find something. The drivers (except in Chicago) let you go in front of them. The sunsets are enormous. The people wear what is useful to wear and dont worry about appearances as much. You can buy a decent house for 60,000, and a gorgeous one near a good coffee shop for 180,000. Many of the public school districts, especially near the universities, are excellent. I loved California, but my children are Midwesterners, and I would not move back unless you gave me a shitload of money.
Since I’ve been following your blog you’ve faced so many difficulties and adversities and you just keep on trucking, because you have to. I keep waiting for your happy ending to come, but the fight continues. You’ve done amazing so far. I hope this move starts you on a path to better times ahead.
It sounds to me as though you’ve given the move a lot of thought. I am hoping that family and friends in Indiana will make your life easier and that, some day, you will get back to California again. Please talk to the people at the Y and ask them to give the refund to you. It was a gift and hopefully you can put it to good use in your new location!
I sincerely hope you will reconsider. Don’t leave a place you love. You left the Midwest for a reason. Please follow your heart. Stay where you are.
The thing is I love living in California as a member of the middle class, with a home and a job and money in the bank, able to provide my kids with all the things their peers have (lessons, vacations, new clothes, etc). I HATE living in California as a nearly homeless improverished person who gets food from food pantrys and can’t give her kids the things above, or even things like their favorite foods, snacks, yearbooks, etc! I’ve spent nearly 30 years in California and 27 of them were fantastic. The last 3 suck.
This “secret” isn’t the least bit surprising. Your farming/living a sustainable lifestyle posts have been great reading and informative but almost sound as though you’re attempting to convince yourself it’s what you want. The idea sounds like a fabulous adventure but I wonder about the reality. I worry about the kids adapting to such a different way of life, especially since they seem to excel in their current school system (and your worrying undoubtedly trumps mine). I can’t imagine leaving the climate of southern California for the humidity of Indiana. I’ve been following your blog since nearly the beginning and feel I’ve let you down – you shouldn’t have to beg for donations (and you haven’t), clearly you’ve been struggling and I wish I would have contributed more along the way so you weren’t in this situation. Of course a job would be nice but until something comes along, you certainly have enough faithful readers that could keep you afloat and prevent this upheaval in your life. I’m ready to start buying cat beds! (and I don’t have a cat)
It’s not the living off the land that concerns me – that idea has been appealing for some time (all my lottery fantasies have us buying a big ranch in California). Here’s a quote from The Dirty Life that sums it up for me (the author is talking about her first (fairly lengthy) visit to a small farm: “I felt, of all damn things, safe. Anything could happen in the world. Planes could crash into buildings, jobs could disappear, people could be thrown out of their apartments, oil could run dry, but here, at least, we would eat. … Food, a French man told me once, is the first wealth. Grow it right and you feel insanely rich, no matter what you own.” What gives me pause is moving back to the Midwest – a place where I never felt at home and leaving California which is the home of my heart. I keep thinking I might die without ever getting back here and that makes me sad. But at the same time California has bucketloads of problems these days and a long hard spell in front of her before prosperity resumes and I just don’t have the wherewithall to weather it.